To me, open-handed doesn’t mean that I don’t care or it doesn’t matter if I don’t get what I want… so what do I mean when I say that?

Here’s what I mean:

I will ask clearly for what I want (not what I don’t want… although I may start with that) and I will be as specific as I am able and I will NOT:

• pressure
• cajole
• threaten
• guilt
• shame
• intimidate
• coerce
• beg
• harass
• manipulate
• bully

to get what I want.

Note… I do NOT say that I will not try to persuade or convince. This isn’t about being neutral or letting go of my want. It is about being loving and kind in the process of asking a receiving a response.

I MAY, as part of my request, choose to give a reason or two that I’m aware of that may cause them to not be able to give me what I want.

I MAY, if needed, explain what actions I may choose if they don’t give me what I want. (e. g. If they continue to yell at me when we disagree then I will exit the conversation.)

If I don’t get what I want then I will not judge them or their actions. Or if I find myself doing that I will work to release that judgment. By this I mean that I will not think of their action(s) as good or bad… it just is what it is. I will also work to not fill in a story about why they chose that behavior if they don’t tell me why.

I will work to be aware of the impact of this decision on our relationship.

Why does all of this matter?

• I find that asking for what I want makes it more likely to get what I want from someone and by not guilting, shaming, threatening, etc. makes it more likely that it connects us and creates life and joy on both sides. Someone may have good success with guilting people… and my guess is that the guilted one may give them what they want but will most likely be resentful about doing it.
• Asking for what I want typically goes WAY better than just expecting or hoping that they know what I want and give it to me.
• Asking for what I want feels more open, transparent and often vulnerable to me… and that’s a part of how I want to show up in the world. 
• This process helps me release the outcome and trust God in this process.
• I want to be way less judgmental in life and this helps. I do still have judgments about people that regularly do things that I perceive to bring harm. AND… that is a pretty rare case… I want to show up in life pretty stinking non-judgmental.
• My experience of this process is that I have been way more “successful” at getting what I want and still honoring all of the parties involved. This is  back to the idea that a people are more likely to have life and joy this way than when guilted or manipulated.
• There are occasions where I choose NOT to be open-handed like when we “bullied” my Mom into moving. She had dementia and was not able to make adult decisions any more and it was what Rosenberg calls a “protective use of force” for her safety. 

Examples:

• A friend and I had been working out together once a week for maybe 5 years. He and his wife bought a house 30 minutes away so he was changing gyms. In my experience, the way this happens is that he and I would still be friends and we would probably see each other once or twice a year – maybe meet up for a lunch to celebrate each birthday. As I pondered this I decided that I wasn’t ready to move to a remote friendship. So when he and I met up for a happy hour I brought this up. I was vulnerable and I said that as I considered this that I became aware that I wanted to still be connected to him on a regular basis. I said that I wasn’t sure exactly what I was asking for. Maybe we could do a lunch or a happy hour every couple of weeks. Or maybe be able to workout together. I told him that I was aware that when someone moves they typically need to “let go” of some friendships in order to have room for new friends. I told him that maybe our friendship had run it’s course and it was time to move on. I also told him that maybe even if we both want to still meet up regularly that it may not happen. And all of that is ok. I felt vulnerable saying that I wanted / needed to stay connected in our friendship. How would that feel if he said something like, “Yeah, it’s been a good season and time to move on.”?
  
  This is the kind of communication that I’m talking about. Being open and vulnerable about what is going on with me. Choosing to communicate what I’m thinking and what I want. And being open-handed that it really is ok if the other person isn’t able to give me what I want.
  
  In this case … he said that he wanted the same thing as me. In the next month or two he joined a cheap gym and so I also got a membership there and I drove 30 minutes each way once a week so that we could stay connected at that level. After a couple of years, things changed for him again so he dropped that membership. He travels all around the area so I added to my gym membership so that I can bring a guest anytime and most weeks he manages to swing by my gym and we workout and catch up.